HOW ABOUT WE ALL UNLEARN
To this day, the gains of education remain unmatched. Societies have recorded tremendous progress all thanks to education. I bet you, the world always has warm, open hands for someone who is willing to learn. To top it all, the process of learning is inevitable. Both the formal and informal spheres of our lives thrive on it.
I am unapologetic about who I am and what I stand for. I greet strangers at the bus rank and ask them for directions because that is what I was taught- “Bayavuselwa bantfu. Uyabuta nawungati.” As a proud Swazi, I have always been humbled by the wealth of knowledge my elders passed down to me. Their generosity and readiness to share information has always left me in awe. I remember growing up and watching my sisters cook while the boys were at the river where they had taken the cattle to drink. From the river, they would find their food ready. When they were done eating, my sisters would take their dishes and wash them. As soon as I was all grown and ready to take up some of the domestic chores, somehow I already knew what was expected of me. My upbringing had already clearly defined what my roles were. I cleaned, cooked and washed. My favourite subject was Home Economics. I couldn’t wait to get the scones recipe right so I would bake for the whole family. I didn’t see myself doing anything else other than becoming a teacher and empower others. It goes without saying that I saw myself as only caring, nurturing and loving. Looking back I cannot believe how I never envied my ambitious brother who wanted to become an engineer and exhibited strength in everything he did. All I know is that I always admired him for protecting me at all times. At school, I do not even think that his brothers knew my name because to them I was Sihle’s sister. It made me feel like I belonged, like my mother belonged to my father.
Today, with every birthday that I celebrate, I am reminded that the clock is ticking. My friends from high school and tertiary send me inboxes on Facebook and ask me if I am already married because last week was our friend Zaba’s wedding anniversary. Reading those messages make me realize that even with my education, achievements and dreams, I am still not enough. I need to belong so that society can accept me and I can always feel confident when I introduce myself to make submissions at any meeting. But last week I met Zaba at the clinic. She was quick to explain to me why she was there. My poor friend had hit a kitchen counter and she also said something about a wet floor and falling onto the floor. Look, how the accident that hurt her eye and broke her arm happened was confusing for me. The details did not matter though. I just felt bad for her. I could not allow myself to suspect anything else other than what she had told me because I am not the only one to know when a husband is abusing his wife but not do anything. My neighbour used to do the same and my whole community never said or did anything about it. I had learnt that the norm was to not interfere.
At the restaurant, where I was having ice cream, Zaba’s husband walked in with a young girl. Definitely not their daughter. She could have been a relative though. Something about her grace resembled Zaba. For a second I thought of what a great person my friend was. Her spirit so calm with something “lady-like” (as defined by those who hold the vision of the world for the rest of us) about her. Her preparedness to submit at all times always shone through her eyes. I had always said that her aura could not be missed. It screamed, “Please take care of me!” Maybe I was not wrong because she also said that she needed a man to take care of her and give her he good life. Each time I looked at her, I was reminded of how much of a disappointment I was. If only I could be just as submissive as her, who knows maybe… (follows the line which for many years has always been the bane of my existence).
There’s a trend here and it should be aided to come to an end. It requires deliberate action to stop it from continuing. We need to make a conscious decision to unlearn the seed planted in us which perpetuates this trend. Some of the things we have learned, consciously and subconsciously are detrimental to our society. Our girls have been disarmed of the tools to provide for themselves and were taught to gladly delegate that responsibility to someone whose hunger for power is boundless. As a result of this surrender of power men have become so powerful such that they do not know anymore what they should be doing with this power, hence they abuse it. It appears that the men in our society have acquired an education that is unprogressive and inhibits our advancement. That should be done away with. So help me God not to disregard the sanctity of marriage, but in a society where it made out to be all about belonging and buying and selling of my kind, then it is not holy. At the end of the day what emerges is that perhaps we have been too open and receptive of education and information that we have been unable to filter. It is clear that both sexes have somethings to unlearn. We could have not known then, but we know now. We know that women are capable and not powerless and can be just as ambitious as men. We know that culture is dynamic and its fluid state allows for change. We know that all the isms are learned and so can be unlearned, regardless of their sources and justifications.
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